6th February 2012

gigs clubbing art comedy theatre blog competitions

Illustration by Julie Khan

Treat Yours-Elf

Christmas – they say it's all about the giving. Which is true to an extent. But perhaps the best part of Christmas (apart from gorging yourself on turkey and Grand Cru burgundy and falling asleep in front of The Great Escape) is the excuse to spend a month shopping for presents. Because while shopping for presents you can always buy a whole load of cool stuff for yourself: no one’s more appreciative of your generosity than you are.

To this end, we’ve compiled a splendid Christmas gift guide, with beautiful bits and bobs ranging from under a tenner to over five grand. We’ve also made a nice little piece about Christmas markets to help you get away from the unbearable hustle and bustle of Oxford Street department stores. Gosh, aren’t we just so darned helpful?

And finally: may we recommend you buy a copy of the Observer this Sunday. There's a nice wee feature about Alex and Henry, Spoonfed's marvellous co-founders.

Friday 4th

Well, it's an exhibition with a funny title, on Vyner Street, but irony looks to play only a very small role in Pretty Baa-Lambs at contemporary art gallery Madder139. Which is rather refreshing. Four artists present works that display a rare reverence and respect for the traditions of landscape paintings. We particularly like the look of Sam

By far the best feature of this classic Christmas panto - and this is possibly a panto first - will be the four mystery guest stars set to play the Genie of the Lamp in this year's Aladdin. Pamela Anderson has signed up for two weeks of granting wishes and the much loved Paul O'Grady will also be making an appearance during the show's run

A party which is all about raving and waving goodbye to poverty. They want your spirit so get up, freak out, have a dance and shout bollocks to poverty!

Assisting you on this voyage is the excellent Rogue Element, Magistrates, The Ruskins live and plenty more upfront acts designed to make you wiggle.

Saturday 5th

Brilliant! The ever-innovative souls at Shoot Experience have made a move into dating. These guys specialise in challenging interactive games where you have to go round London taking snaps. It's always fun and they've decided that the format is suited to meeting new people. Yes. Shoot Dating costs £20 but represents great value. For that

A stellar cast led by Sheridan Smith (The Royle Family, Little Shop of Horrors) and Duncan James (er, he was in boyband Blue) bring this Broadway sensation to the West End. Based on the winning Hollywood comedy with a fresh book by Heather Hach and some $13million expended on costumes, set changes and pop tunes, the show was a critical flop in

Something wicked this way comes... Z Shed vs Coin Operated in an East End warehouse. Get ready for some filthy business. Kanji Kinetic in the house. Serious. This guy wields his bass like a weapon. The Squire Of Gothos - two badbwoy producers from Sheffield who make ultra massive rave noise, plus Mustard Gunn, Pirate Soundsystem, Absnif and more

Bespoke party-starters Simmer celebrate a year of throwing delicious parties in unexpected venues and giving audio pleasure to the ravers of London. They showcase homegrown and international talent at their events; always upfront with a superb, intimate vibe. Tonight they touch down at the resplendent three-storey Brick Lane venue The Brickhouse.

Sunday 6th

"We're walking in the air, we're walking in the aaaiiiir, oh yeah. We went to Toys R Us, or something something something." Who can forget the original cartoon (based on a comic) of The Snowman, with its beautiful Raymond Briggs drawings and Aled Jones warbling on the soundtrack? This stage musical version of the classic Christmas crowd

Playing alongside the fresh and funky resident duo of Neil Thornton and Dave Rose at the Horse & Groom tonight is some DJ royalty. Disco maestro Graeme Clark aka The Revenge has had a massive year playing from Athens to Zurich and everywhere in between including a rather special set at Fabric for their 10th birthday celebrations. Such

Monday 7th

The sublime Swedish foursome Little Dragon return to London following a sell-out Jazz Cafe show. Their beautiful new album 'Machine Dreams' straddles many genres: dance music yet not so, electro-pop with the depth of soul and a foot firmly in the roots and techno camps.

This time it's The Rhythm Factory who are graced with their presence. New fusion artist Kotchy touches down from Brooklyn to serve up his haunting glitch-pop.

Combining sketches, character comedy, stand-up, improv and physical theatre, the Pajama Men are a mind-boggling spectacle that has to be seen.

Hailing from Albuquerque, New Mexico, Shenoah Allen and Mark Chavez have had tremendous success with their act (part clowning around and part actioned-packed story), which saw them nominated for a Perrier award in 2004.

Here they return with a mass of bizarre characters from robbers and killers to heroes, housewives and venom-vomiting demons. Already attracting a mass of 5 star reviews, this is a wonderful and hilarious show, like nothing you've seen before.

Tuesday 8th

Well this sounds pretty cool. Authentic Caribbean Rum have teamed up with the fantastic London-based Rococo Chocolates to present a one-off evening of boozy fun-times at Vinopolis this December.

Hosted by UK rum ambassador (what a job!) Ian Burrell, and Chantal Coady from Rococo, the evening features rum chocolate cocktails, blind tastings (of both rum and chocolate) and interactive cocktail-making sessions.

Located on Penton Street, the breeding ground of good comedy nights, this club is held in the Chapel Bar, so called because of the pulpit on the right hand side of the stage.

Tonight's gig is a ho ho ho Christmas special with the UK's premier comic magician Pete Firman, up-and-coming young stand-up Tom Deacon, former prison guard Ava Vidal and a secret TV guest headliner. Will it be Stephen Merchant? Will it be Lenny Henry?! Who knows, but either way it's a pretty sweet line-up already.

Wednesday 9th

Following the near-destruction of the City during the Second World War, the Golden Lane Estate was constructed as a way for London (and indeed the country) to move forward, away from the bloodied past and towards a future of optimism and hope.

The bold architectural design of the estate is not to everyone's taste, but in the eyes of many it is a thing of beauty and a symbol of progress - both social and political.

Over the course of 2009, Patricia Niven has documented the lives of residents who have lived in the Golden Lane Estate since it first opened in the 1950s. This is a fascinating insight into the concerns of the individual, as well as a striking encapsualtion of the feelings of a nation.

Taking time out from preparations for the return of his seminal indie-rockers Pavement, Portland's Stephen Malkmus convenes in London with his other band, the Jicks, to play a warm-up gig at the Electric Ballroom ahead of their participation in the ATP festival.

Anyone familiar with Pavement should be well at home, with Malkmus and the Jicks providing more erudite musings and off-kilter melodies, this time through a more obviously classic rock medium.

Thursday 10th

Oh this sounds totally briiliant. In a slightly baffling sort of way of course, but then it is organised by artists, so hey, what did you expect?

Basically, as far as we can gather, Alternative Risk Transfer is a four day poker game in which artists compete against collectors, curators, critics and each other in order to win works of art that they've submitted.

The value of these works is worked out in advance by a Valuation Committee but then it can fluctuate as the game progresses, in accordance with the idea of market values.

2009 has seen the resurgence of folk and at the crest of that wave has been Ms. Alessi Laurent-Marke, along with her ark of carefully crafted mellow tunes. Tonight, she curates a night featuring a few of her favourite bands as well as performing live under her nom de plume, Alessi's Ark.

Friday 11th

You wouldn't expect just the normal kind of Christmas events at maverick booksellers (yes, it is kind of an oxymoron) Amuti 23 now would you?

Good. Because this isn't the usual Christmas show. The clue comes in the full title - 51 Gifts of Meaning and Value for a Post-Crisis Culture to Welcome in an Era of Neo-Decadent Revolt. Bizarre huh?

But sounds cool. All manner of unusual things are on display and available for prices that range from £5 (for a 1st edition Sartre translation) to £501,000 (for a collage of Sex Pistols ephemera by artist Jamie Reid).

A spectacular production of the piratical panto, which has been a family favourite for centuries, in an acclaimed new adaptation by Karen Louise Hebden.

This Christmas, the entire Rose Theatre will be transformed into a piratical wonderland, with a ship, an island and all manner of hidden treasures. The show is a boisterous, sing-along adventure with sea battles, shanties and sword-play aplenty.

Multi-award winning Scotsman Phil Kay brings his special brand of no hands, no stabilisers comedy to the Soho Theatre. You never know what you're going to get with a Kay set due to his incredible improvisation skills and boundless energy. It might be a song about someone's salmon pink jumper or he might read you something funny from the Metro that day; but one thing's for sure, it won't be dull.

Nominated for a Perrier Award in 1993, he is a firm favourite at the Edinburgh Festival, where yearly he performs to sell-out audiences.

Saturday 12th

Fevered Sleep, the acclaimed production company specialising in dance pieces for younger audiences, bring a touch of festive magic to the Young Vic with a blend of storytelling, adventure and dance for kids aged 5 to 7.

The show is a promenade performance that invites children and their families to actually enter the enchanted forest. These kind of interactive shows (like last year's Hansel and Gretel at the Barbican) are especially exciting for kids. Plus there's the usual puppetry, effects and music from the Fevered Sleep team – all in all, an enchanting trip that will sell your nippers on the magic of theatre. Accompanying adults may also find themselves impressed and inspired.

'Best medium sized festival' of 2008, The Secret Garden Party cordially demands your presence aboard the wildest ocean liner ever to set sail. The HMS Ulysses (aka The Troxy) will tonight play host to a wild party with a nautical twist.

Crewed by your indomitable Head Gardeners, first class passengers will be collected from an impromptu port at The Counting House EC3V 3PD, foot passengers will make their own way to the ship - which sails at 10:30pm.

Swap-a-Rama is a genius idea. Come wearing the most bizarre clothes you can find, go home wearing a mix of the wardrobes of the random strangers you met, got pissed with and stripped in front of.

The rules are simple. Whenever the klaxon sounds, you must swap clothes with the person next to you.

Spend your evening cross-dressing, skirt-slinging, getting smashed and ripping clothes off hotties.

Halo are back! They've been scouring the city for the perfect place and they think they may have found it in the dazzling Vauxhall club Lightbox.

The have a killer line up headed up by sleazy disco house outfit Crazy P. They are playing live as well as hitting the decks. They're joined by Scottish tech house impresarios Sandeman and Mr Dickie, East London beat masters Playset and many more.

This looks stellar.

Sunday 13th

It feels like ages since we last saw Stewart Lee. Which is a good thing because it was getting unhealthy and we felt a bit like stalkers. Recently, he's been touring the country with his new show If You Prefer A Milder Comedian Please Ask For One and he's finishing up with a lengthy London run at the Leicester Square Theatre. Phew! Just as we were starting to get withdrawal symptoms...

The show begins in a high street coffee chain and ends in a pear cider which is 100% disappointment. Expect some punchy stuff near the top; inexplicable hostility towards relatively innocuous figures; silences and repetition; sudden and/or gradual shifts in tone, velocity and volume; the possibility of failure and a quasi-serious bit at the end.

You'd probably have to be older than 20 to remember this, but way back when the ZX Spectrum was the only computer you could buy, there was this game called Barbarian. Boiled down to its consituent parts, this game basically involved a muscled warrior wearing nothing but a pair of fur pants and chopping people's heads off with a massive sword. If you take some of that imagery, throw in a few particle physics journals and articulate it through massively loud hard rock music, you'll sort of have what Hawkwind are about.

Get ready for a visual spectacle as Hawkwind bring their 40th anniversary year celebrations to a close with a Christmas show at the Shepherds Bush Empire featuring dancers, stilt walkers, psychedelic lighting and projections. Should be pretty cosmic.

Spoken Ink bring you another festive feast of atmospheric twenty-first century story-telling - all occurring in a yurt in Hyde Park.

It's Lewis Carrol Christmas this time, with mulled wine, mince pies, sheepskin rugs and stories to delight and inspire.

Expect a massive Medieval harp, a giant beaver, and an angry bellman on a desperate hunt for a snark.