Welcome to Earth.

Painting? In Hoxton? It'll never catch on. Well perhaps it will. With people beginning to tire of one-joke conceptualism, Standpoint Gallery presents an exhibition of painting, featuring work by five contemporary artists. What links them all together is what the PR spiel terms 'emergent figuration'. In short, this means that the prime focus of

To celebrate four years of dosing the capital with the finest hip hop, The Doctor's Orders are hosting a series of events throughout July. Alongside their regular club nights there'll be live shows, free parties and even a pub quiz. Tonight their party at Herbal meshes some of the top names from their wish list (DJ Vadim anyone?) with some new

Them celebrate one whole year of serving London with cutting edge electronica, pure bass weight and giant beat-addicted creatures from the deep. Yet another smashing line-up is in place to absolutely destroy Corsica Studios, with Hyp!Hyp!Hyp! hosting Room Two. Them are in control in the main room, with Mad Decent upstart Mumdance in to spin his

Iconic house and beats specialists Basement Jaxx headline the first day of the newly re-branded Wireless Festival.

Also topping an action packed bill are hip-hop acts The Streets and Dizzee Rascal as well as sets from electro/dance superstars Frankmusik and Digitalism.

What better way to while away a summer evening than with a top notch alfresco performance of this Oscar Wilde classic in a grassy corner of Regent's Park? This vintage piece of Wilde is a classic drawing room farce of tangled love lives and mistaken identities... but distinguished with his trademark satirical slant and a seemingly unceasing

Wow. Christian Martin from the Dirtybird stable (which he co-runs) is flying in from San Fran to play this intimate little gig.

Justin Martin's brother, one half of their sick production duo aptly named The Martin Brothers and DJ of absolute brilliance.

This will be incredibly good, and unbelievably it's only £3. Well done Snap, Crackle and Pop.

A tongue in cheek celebration of American Independence Day featuring Alabama 3's acoustic show, a DJ set from Nashville upon Thames and Theodora goes Wild (Shellac Sisters) hits the tables too.

There's American themed cabaret, the statue of liberty as you've never seen her before and other extravagant examples of American iconoclasm.

It's fancy dress people, so think Presidents and first ladies, hillbillies, moonshiners, chain gangs, railroad riders and American icons.

Missoni have come a long way from their origins as producers of jersey tracksuits in the 1940s to become one of the most instantly recognisable fashion brands in the world. Known for bold zig-zag patterning and subtle use of tone and texture, Missoni is still very much a family-orientated operation. This year it's fifty years since the company's

For Edinburgh preview season, the esteemed Fix comedy mag is holding a series of double bills with some of their favourite acts performing every Sunday evening. If you like weird or alternative comedy, you are in for a treat tonight. Hilarious character act Brian Gittins will be performing his new show Brian Gittins: Roadside Cafe Owner, full of

Art with a strong, clear political agenda can go one of two ways -  either the communicative power of art is employed for important ends, or the singularity of the message overpowers art's wonderful tendency towards ambiguity. This depends on the artist in question, the work, and the experience of the viewer.

This summer, 198 Gallery presents What Is Crime?, an exhibition that seeks to explore oft-overlooked elements of violence in contemporary society. This is not about obvious things like shootings, stabbings and rape - but rather about social injustice, pollution, discrimination and poverty.

Going to the Fringe and don't know whose show to go book? Want to go to a London preview but stuck for choice? Embarrassingly bad attention span? This event could be the answer to your problems. 28 acts that are taking their shows to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival will each be performing 3 minute samples of their new shows at this huge showcase in Leicester Square Theatre.

There are all kinds of comedy genres to see snippets of here from the blazing stand-up of Brendon Burns to dark songs and rap from Ginger and Black and magic tricks courtesy of Piff The Magic Dragon. A cracking comedy smorgasbord (and it gave us a change to say smorgasbord - brilliant).

OK, so we use the phrase genre-bending a lot round here - but when we're talking about Why? we really mean it - these guys are a pigeon-holer's worst nightmare. Sounding like an amalgamation of Liars, poetry, too much coffee and underground hip hop, to try to put them neatly into a box is enough to bring on a migraine of epic proportions.

Tonight they're at the newly reopened Garage, and believe us when we say that as difficult as it is to understand their sound, these guys are incomprehensibly good live!

Somebody (who could it have been?) once described photorealism as a 'fascinatingly pointless genre' and to some extent this is backed up by the works of Tjalf Sparnaay, who has a solo show at Plus One Gallery this July.

Sparnaay paints boring everyday things - a half-empty bottle of ketchup, a fried egg, some leaves, or a shrink-wrapped chicken - but with such exquisite attention to detail and high nacreous shine that they are somehow both disgusting and fascinating. This is food (and indeed art) as slick plastic commodity.

Held in Fleet Street's old school pub The Punch Tavern, this club gets some of the best up-and-coming acts and established stand-ups on the circuit behind the microphone.

Tonight is an Edinburgh preview special with smart stand-up Robin Ince performing his new show Robin Ince versus The Moral Majority full of angry tirades and quiet musings (but mostly tirades); plus multi-award winning troupe Pappy's Fun Club will be providing sketch mayhem with their world record attempt to perform 200 sketches in one hour. A quality preview line-up at the Tavern tonight.

Rough-housing country punk Dexy has a guitar, a message and a belly full of fire at The Bush Hall tonight.

Make sure to watch out for Scandinavian singer-songwriter Awsa who will be performing her melodic, soulful pop in support. Awsa used to be a backing singer for Nick Cave, but after he asked her to 'tone it down in the background' she decided to do her own thing - she hasn't looked back since!

Long Pig, or Pakeha, is a Polynesian word for white man. Nigel Planer's latest play is about two very talented white men facing death on different Pacific Islands: writer Robert Louis Stevenson in Samoa and painter Paul Gaugin on Tahiti. The play takes contrasting attitudes to death and uses them as a starting point for a morbid meditation of its own.

Until very recently in many Pacific islands, death and ghosts were celebrated and dead relatives consulted and conferred with. This joyous attitude to passing over affects all who settle there and certainly the serene writer Stevenson as he reflects on a full life and plots his spirit journey back to Edinburgh, which is where he wants to pass the afterlife. Gaugin meanwhile is about to commit suicide and his principle concern is not to be buried in a Catholic manner. Unlucky, Paul!

This unique, cult karaoke show has now transferred to the bigger venue of the 100 Club to cope with demand. It features a regular house band made up of comedians Danielle Ward on bass (Mock the Week, Newswipe), Martin White on accordion and piano and David Reed from The Penny Dreadfuls on drums.

Tonight has an extra-good line-up of guest comedians performing their favourite tunes for you including star of I'm Alan Partridge, Big Train and Brasseye, Kevin Eldon; Free Fringe creator Peter Buckley-Hill and Peep Show actress and musical comedienne Isy Suttie. The rather incredible 24-piece Mystery Fax Machine Orchestra will also be putting on a special performance. 

This July, the car park at the otherwise sleepy Barbican comes alive to the sound of deep, bone-shaking bass as part of theatrical artist Graeme Miller's vast, confusing but entirely pleasurable installation.

Part multimedia installation, part free-form classical recital, and part trippy urban stunt, Bassline: London is the only place to head for a tour round an amped-up, dubbed-out car park.

Deliberately scuzzy, garage punk band Thee Vicars sound a bit like The Sex Pistols might sound if they played '60s rock in the vein of The Kinks or The Sonics.

Not a totally outlandish concept of course, which is why Thee Vicars pull off such a feat so well.

A free late night of fun at the Wellcome Collection this Friday. All sorts of weird and wonderful performances, interactive displays, activities and discussions looking at the strange attitudes that people have had to medicine over the last few centuries.

Whilst it's easy to mock the science of the past, it's always worth remembering the words of Thomas Carlyle, who said that 'the reign of quacks has not ended with the nineteenth century... We are all the slaves of quackery in one shape or another.'

The ongoing (and potentially ruinous) libel dispute between Simon Singh and the British Chiropractic Association proves Carlyle's point rather succinctly. Science is not immune from idiocy - nor shall it ever be.

Jez Butterworth is in the front rank of English playwrights. His latest is a Shameless-esque romp through a day in the life of a waster as he is pursued by his children, by council eviction officers, by angry drug dealers and greedy, druggy mates. It's St George's Day and the fair is in town. But where is Johnny?

A twisted satirical view of England's green and pleasant lands is assured. You can also expect utterly convincing and engaging characters, sharp dialogue and a snapshot of English culture indelibly printed on your memory.

Ed Banger are absolutely great.

The French electro label boast a wealth of brilliant DJs and producers; from the awesome SebastiAn to the iconic Justice.

Tonight's going to be one of the parties of the year in my book. Feadz, SebastiAn, Krazy Baldhead, Mehdi, So Me and Busy P himself - who is rumoured to have 'something special brewing for this one.'

YES.

After ten years of programming other people's comedy shows, the Underbelly launches its very own night, promising laughs galore and the cream of the worlds top stand-up comedians.

Featuring special TV guests, Irish funnyman Andrew Maxwell and the wonderfully unpredictable Terry Alderton, Belly Laughs will be showing for two nights only at the Southbank's purple cow. 

Lot49 - the forward thinking tech funk pioneers headed up by Meat Katie and Dylan Rhymes join forces with East London party-starters Superfilth!!! to literally rock the boat.

Brightonites and utter dancefloor destroyers Evil Nine will be pushing the Dutch Master's 8K rig to its very limits alongside Lot49 resident Kid Blue, plus Superfilth's finest Arrow!!! plus Oli D.A.B and Robin.

Expect a full throttle mix of breaks, electro, techno, fidget and frenzied dancing under the stars.

Tonight is Egg's annual French party - honouring Bastille Day on the 14th. They always get storming French line-ups and this year is no exception, with DJ Gregory (Defected) headlining the terrace. He's had a long history in the business of house music, taking inspiration from NYC and Paris dancefloors and earning himself the award for Most Innovative Producer at the House Music Awards.

'Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us so excel.' Thus spoke Commodus, as played by Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator, quite probably the greatest film of all time.

What has this got to do with a simple listing for an art exhibition? Well, it's all to do with CABIN/ET at ROOM gallery (the capitals are deliberate - we're not just doing a pointless Brian Blessed impression).

The whole project is the brainchild of contemporary artist Tom Wolseley, who with support from Hackney Council, Maersk and the Arts Council operates under the guise of 'Archetrope'.

To be honest, we're not sure if this is going ahead as last we heard Army Of Flying Robots had split up, but if this turns out to be real then we're down there with bells on.

Basically, our love of these guys comes from watching them destroy house parties in Nottingham. Seriously there's nothing quite like watching some bearded tough guys play really brutal grindcore in your mate's kitchen - those moments are priceless.